


I'll Try

by getyourfaceoutofmyface



Series: Songbook [2]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, M/M, Redemption, Robert deserves all the love, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-29 18:59:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16270370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/getyourfaceoutofmyface/pseuds/getyourfaceoutofmyface
Summary: Robert's road to redemption set to "I'll Try" by Simple Plan.





	I'll Try

**I've never been the best at honesty  
I've made more mistakes than I can even count  
But things are gonna be so different now  
You make me wanna turn it all around**

I love him.

It’s the only thought rolling around in Robert’s brain as he runs his fingers through Aaron’s hair. Desire, passion and lust, that was all Aaron was supposed to be in Robert’s life. That’s all he had space for. Because he adored Chrissie. He enjoyed his life. Aaron was fun. Sport. Play.

I love him.

Waking up to that grumpy face had been the start of Robert’s undoing. Or maybe when he’d allowed himself to admit it, he was already gone. Aaron would squint in dramatic anguish against the sunlight. Scruff and a scowl. It made Robert want to kiss those frown lines away.

It was perfect. Nights on the couch, some take away on the table before them, Aaron’s thumb rubbing circles into Robert’s thigh. They watched ridiculous game shows and old sitcom comedies. Things they’d seen a million times. Just background noise for the endless conversation that flowed between them.

Soft kisses. The kind that Robert sunk into as Aaron leaned into the pillows behind him. He’d never felt his stomach quiver at the gentle rub of nose to nose before. Wanted to stretch out these days into some kind of eternity, where he didn’t have to worry about tomorrow. He could just live in the moment.

Wasn’t that what he was always telling Aaron? We have now. Let’s enjoy this. But for once he wanted more. He wanted to know that this wasn’t ever going to get torn away from him. That he could wake up tomorrow and Aaron would still be right there. 

One day he’d have to choose. Rough hands or silk fingers. Flowing hair or soft curls. Something and everything. He knows what he’ll choose, knows the only choice he has in the end. Every part of his life is wrapped up in his wife, who he is, who he wants to be. Everything but this piece of his heart he gave away for free. How unlike the man he knows himself to be. Still he knows the man he is, refuses to regret it.

But on nights like tonight, with Aaron’s arms around him, he wishes he could be someone else.

**********

**I think of all the games that I have played  
The unsuspecting people that I've heard  
Deep inside I know I don't deserve  
Another chance to finally make it work ******

********

Robert believes he was put on this planet for Aaron, to be there for him. He aches with it. The need to wrap him up, cotton wool against the world. Make it better for the man he loves. Adores.

Because you can have everything ripped away from you. Your home. Your wife. Almost your life even but none of it matters. Because when he looks at you its hollow and that’s all that hurts. All you feel is indifference in his eyes and the constant nausea in your stomach.

Robert knows what it is like to let down the people around him. It’s the nature of who he is. He had his armor and shield against it. 

Until him. Until Aaron.

And for a while he hated him for it. Hated Aaron even more that he got to walk away, head held high and Robert was alone. He had nothing but memories and a single bed in his sister’s spare room. He didn’t dream of luxury sheets or expensive cars. Not of lavish vacations and clicking high heels. No, it was picking hay out of his hair and laughter. Stolen kisses and frantic hands. He’d wake up with Aaron’s taste on his tongue, half hard and reaching for someone who wasn't there. 

If he had any hope he needed to be better, do better. Be the kind of man someone like Aaron deserved. Maybe he’d never be worthy but he had to try. He couldn’t live with the emptiness anymore. He’d earn it, somehow.

“I want to be able to rely on you, Robert.”

He’d prove it to him. He could be anything for Aaron. Because Robert was nothing without him. That much he knew.

Then there was a ring on his finger, and love in his arms. A promise. A future. He had this and he would never ever let it go. His iron grip would not slip this time.

**********

**But I'll try to never disappoint you  
I'll try until I get it right  
I've always been so reckless all of my life  
But I'll try  
For you**

For one split second in time, he’d been content. He’d believed he was worth it. That he deserved this happiness that was out of some goddamn fairytale. You didn’t get to be the prince and the villian, and life had cast his role for him long ago.

He wanted to destroy everything around him. Burn it to ash and spit venom. How could anyone feel joy when his had walked away? It didn’t matter that Robert knows he earned it. He knows this pain he created for himself. He did it. He always does.

Just leave and never come back. The words his father yelled in his face. The words Aaron pleaded with his eyes. Not good enough, never good enough. Look but don’t touch Robert, you’ll break it in the end.

He’s empty. He’d always been empty. But Aaron had filled him up. Saw everything in Robert and deemed him worthy enough to love. Looked at Robert like maybe there was something there worth adoring. He’d believed it. For a moment.

He misses him. He misses them. They were a family. A home. Robert didn’t even know a home was possible until he’d had one with Aaron. With Liv. 

Family walks away when you give them a reason. Love dies when you kill it.

Robert. Rinse. Repeat.

**********

**I've been the best at letting people down  
I've never been the kind of person you can trust  
But if you can give me half a chance I'll show  
How much I can fix myself for you**

He’s perfect. Incapable of being anything but absolute perfection. Robert can’t believe the boy in his arms is a piece of him. He finally, in his own fucked up way, is a part of something pure. Good. Perfect.

He will not mess this up. He will do everything until his last breath for his boy. He will never know pain like Robert has. He will never believe he isn’t good enough. He will never hunt for a place to belong.

Sebastian will know warmth on his face. He will know safety under his father’s roof. He will laugh and he will cry and he will grow. He is the greatest thing Robert has ever done. He will thrive and know how loved he is, exactly as he is. He is perfect.

Robert will be good enough. For him.

Sebastian. His son. 

**********

**And I'll try to never disappoint you  
I'll try until I get it right  
I've always been so reckless all of my life  
But I'll try**

It has killed a piece of him everyday. Every single day. He told himself it would end, this slow death of loss and want. If he didn’t have Sebastian he’d have nothing. No reason to wake up. No reason to keep moving. He was vacant.

But Aaron deserves more, so much more than Robert could ever give him. Aaron thinks he’s broken but he’s not. He’s so strong. A force of kindness, a gentle soul that gives and gives. Robert just takes and takes.

He won’t do it to Aaron again. Because he will. It’s what he does. He takes beauty and he breaks it. He uses it up and spits it out. 

He doesn’t know how he walks away. Every atom of himself is vibrating with need. For that peace. For those lips. For the man who made love tangible and real. But he fights his own want. Fights against himself. Chokes back tears and runs to the darkness.

He can hide from himself but he’d never deny Aaron anything. Insistent knocks and Robert feels the yearning through the door. It almost matches his own. Almost.

The most beautiful words. They brush against his cheeks like snowflakes. His heart and time stop, and somehow he is back in those arms again. Something settles in his chest as Aaron’s lips touch his. Something warm and real. Solid.

Their rings are back in place. His socks are mixed with Aaron’s in the drawer. Nothing has changed but everything in him is different. He loves this man and even weeks later it overwhelms him to have this back.

Aaron just holds him. Robert lets his tears be wiped by the sleeves of Aaron’s jumper. 

Aaron understands him. He was always the only one who ever did.

**********

**This time I wont make up excuses  
I don't wanna lose you  
Don't give up on me and I'll prove that  
I can do this**

She offers to help him cook dinner one night, which would have been suspect on the best of days. But now, with things being like they are, it’s cause for panic. They are still fresh, all of them. Still cleaning off the tarnish on the silver underneath. But the is shine there, and they will find it. Again

He smiled at her offer and turned his shocked eyes at Aaron. His husband took the hint, carrying Sebastian upstairs for a nap and leaving them alone for a little while.

Alone with Liv. The other little sister he never wanted and couldn’t imagine life without. She’s glass wrapped in barbed wire. She is braver than he could ever be. He has missed her and their affection veiled in stinging insults.

She’s cutting onions, making a mess, tears streaming down her face when her finger slips. He hears her sharp intake of breath and has her finger under the running tap in an instant. Grabs the emergency kit as he he dries the nick. He’s putting a plaster on the small cut when he feels her head lean onto his shoulder. 

They stand like that longer than they need to. But she doesn’t leap away when Aaron comes thundering down the stairs, just gives him a soft jab with her elbow and resumes chopping.

They’re going to be okay.

**********

**I'll try to never disappoint you  
I'll try until I get it right  
Till I get it right**

He presses his forehead to Aaron’s, allows them to sway just a little. Because Aaron gives and gives and so he lets them dance. Here, in the privacy of their hotel room, moonlight moves with them. 

The song coming from Robert’s phone is most certainly not their song. The man in his arms is most certainly not Robert’s husband. They didn’t just vow forever a few hours ago, new rings and old promises. Forever. Again. Over and over again.

It’s a dream. No man like Robert could be that blessed.

**********

**I've always been so reckless all of my life  
But I'll try  
For you**

There are moments that take him by surprise. A coo from his son. A trail of fingers down his arm from his husband. The quiet of the morning broken by the slam of an upstairs door. The click of his keyboard. He just stops. Listens.

It’s like he can hear her, the words she used to say. 

“My boy is worthy of the world and everything in it.”

And he believes it.

**I've always been so reckless, all of my life  
But I'll try  
For you**


End file.
